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I must openly admit that the quizzical, mystified, diverted, blog-writing, evil genius in me harbors a dorky (and rather weird) secret appreciation for extraterrestrial beings. This is not an unhealthy intrigue, I assure you. For instance, I cannot watch E.T. and feel anything but disgusting by the time those dudes in creepy chemical radiation suits capture the poor shriveled little prune and plot how they’re going to study it or torture it, or whatever. Maybe it’s the idea of those nasty suction cups stuck all over Elliott that turns my stomach, but regardless, I can never really finish my popcorn.
Perhaps it’s the sort of film best watched on VHS deep in the eerie musty basement of some odd distant relative’s house (an obscure second cousin twice removed or something), sitting uncomfortably on a stained orange vinyl couch simply to get the full queasy effect. Perhaps the nauseating hum of a broken flickering florescent light overhead is required to shed some sallow yellow light on the subject to really "put you in the mood." Yuck. I could go on forever about how awful it would be for anyone to watch E.T. in his or her second cousin’s moldy basement for a billion stupid reasons, but that is not the point.
WHAT IS THE POINT?
The point of all this is to cleverly segue/shipwreck one school of thought into another and ultimately talk about aliens from an entirely different angle. An awesome angle, not a gross angle.
When you ask kids about aliens, they shriek and scream BIG SPACE WIERDOS! even though, hypothetically speaking, aliens are merely organisms from other planets/galaxies of which we humans have yet to explore or even discover. I’m in the middle of reading Perelandra by C.S. Lewis (book two in the Space Trilogy) and his vivid portrayal of aliens, to me, paints a much more compelling picture of extraterrestrials as opposed to the nasty stomach aches I always get after attempting to watch E.T.
Child: MOMMY, A BIG FAT THING THAT SHOOTS GREEN EWIE STUFF IS IN BIG BROTHER’S COMPUTAH AND IT WOOKS WIKE A ALIEN!!!1!!!
Big Brother (yelling): IT’S A BOOMER FROM L4D2!
Child: What’s a boomeh?!
Speculatively, should aliens actually appear any less hideous and revolting than E.T. (which I suspect is impossible), I gather there may be some of us humans who would think differently of the stereotypical 1950’s melodramatic opinion of extraterrestrial abduction. Let’s forget about the pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers for a moment and wonder what it would take, say, for someone who actually WANTED to be abducted by aliens.
Well, dear friends, you’ve stumbled into the right place.
If you are indeed interested in getting abducted by aliens and are actively pursuing a potential opportunity, there are some things you need to know. Obviously extraterrestrial beings do not travel billions of light-years across infinite chasms of endless universe to abduct any old bloke; they have requirements or “essential qualities” that subjects of attention must clearly meet. Unfortunately, certain of us humanoids are more likely to get abducted than others (for reasons unknown to us), and quite bluntly, you may or may not fall into a given popular category. Not only do aliens need a darn good reason to choose you, you just need to be in the right place at the right time.
Let’s talk about those of us who are most likely to be abducted.
There are certain types of folks out there who are seemingly more attractive to aliens than others. We have no idea why, but this is the way it is. For example, young children are usually more likely to be abducted than the elderly. Why is that? Here are some obvious reasons:
-Children are innately willing to cooperate with aliens. Aliens are “crazy” and “cool.” Decrepit grandparents often resemble extraterrestrials. I don’t know a single little kid who wouldn’t jump at the chance to “take old Uncle Earl’s spaceship for a spin.”
-Parents tell kids not to talk to strangers, but never aliens. They are captivating to kiddies. Toy Story factors into this.
-The developmental stages of the human race are obviously fascinating to outside life (minus the bed-wetting, vomiting, and nose-picking).
-Kids have plenty of time in their expected life span for tracking and monitoring post-abduction.
-Small children tend to carry Skittles, rocks, and crayons around in their pockets. Clearly fascinating stuff to aliens.
If you are NOT a child and are still interested in being abducted, fear not. There are certain groups of Homo sapiens, regardless of age, that aliens remain eager to study. These groups include:
People who look like Harry Potter characters
Grand master chess players
Collectors of odd items (like vintage sleeping bags or iron ostrich eggs)
Really fat people in VW Bugs
Middle aged men (or women) who resemble Harrison Ford
Super violent female soccer players
Smokers (of any kind)
Evil medical practitioners of proctology
The guy who drives the snowplow
Used car dealers
Pizza delivery boys
Shopping cart wranglers
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Small business owners (without earthquake insurance)
Reasonably talented arsonists
Speed metal drummers
Attractive female dental hygienists
Kids who cheat on tests
Basketball players over seven feet tall
Disgruntled US Postal Service employees
Neighborhood dad garage bands
Really pretty girls
The guy at the beach with the metal detector
Monster truck rally enthusiasts
Barefoot NFL kickers
Cruise ship captains
People who put ketchup on everything
John Wayne fans
People with July birthdays
Teenagers who wear shorts all winter
Hot Topic employees
This is by no means a definitive list. If you do not fall into one or more of these categories, there is still hope for you. Please take note of the following areas and times of day in which extraterrestrials are likely to snatch you:
-Dark areas. Aliens love to hover over obscure or peculiar places. Corn fields, rural wetlands, botanical gardens, drainage ditches, abandoned warehouses, gravel roads, wildlife reservations, country churches, overgrown cemeteries, rustic camping grounds, deserted construction sites, sewage reservoirs, discontinued logging areas, wind farms, etc. For this reason, the brilliance and luster of large cities often make them the least likely of places from which to be abducted.
-Trailer parks. Aliens are reluctant to abduct people from structures that are attached to the earth, possibly having something to do with aliens being nomadic travelers themselves. Whatever the reason, if you are truly serious about becoming an abductee, you need to sell your four-bedroom home and move into a trailer house as soon as possible.
-Prime locations for human selection are large forests, open countryside, remote islands, mountaintops, deep canyons, and vast deserts. While many of these places have significant amounts of sunlight during the day, nightfall creates the perfect environment for abduction. Watch the sky. The more stars you can see in the sky, the more likely it is that you are in an attractive area. Depending on your location, the darkest time of night will vary. Generally, you should not expect noticeable alien activity between the hours of midnight and 4 am.
A few things to remember:
-When you enter your predetermined dark location, bring a flashlight along. If you trip and injure yourself, it could weaken your appeal. It is more time efficient NOT to have to repair a human subject before studying it. Bring something to eat as well because there is no way to be sure exactly when the aliens will show up, if at all. Scientific studies indicate that humans carrying/eating sandwiches have been chosen more regularly than others (the sandwich bag is usually left behind). Taco Bell employees have also been known to disappear into restrooms and never come out again (although scientists are unsure if this has any direct correlation to alien activity or not).
-Make sure you go alone. Extraterrestrials are withdrawn beings and will NOT risk a chance of being sighted and/or photographed as a result of hovering too closely to a group of humanoids gazing at the stars with their arms open. Abductees are always carefully studied and chosen on a one-by-one basis to ensure optimal selection. You should sit, lie or stand by yourself in a remote area and allow the aliens to get a good look at you if/before they should choose to nab you. On rare occasions, a human is selected with good intention but is subsequently hurled back to earth after a few minutes of first impressions aboard the alien spacecraft (causing serious injury and/or death). As a potential abductee, you MUST regard this as an occupational hazard and accept the risks involved. You CANNOT be hesitant or timid. Aliens don’t want crybabies. Extraterrestrials don’t abduct wimps.
-Be yourself. Don’t look too anxious to be taken away. Don’t make your desire for transport obvious. Aliens are not stupid; if you seem too eager, they’ll assume you’re a spy. Don’t wear dark sunglasses. Don’t wear an alien costume or carry a glittery sign begging to be chosen. Costumes are insulting and you must respect their right to choose. When you arrive at your predetermined location, pass the time without appearing impatient but do not appear too idle or the aliens may assume you’re expecting them and will subsequently pass over with no indication. Appear semi-occupied. Whistle to yourself, read a book, listen to your iPod, play golf on your cell phone, whittle sticks with your pocketknife, play Solitaire (if there is enough moonlight), crochet an afghan, softly hum the Alphabet Song, twirl your mustache, do cartwheels or pushups. All abductees are at least seemingly unsuspecting.
-Should you happen to notice a coherent monochromatic light, tractor beam, electromagnetic laser effusion, stimulated emission of photons, or all of the above, RUN. Aliens love the thrill of the chase. Put up a fight, look angry, lash out, act like you don’t want to go with them, shout things like "YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" or "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" or simply "BLEAHHHHH!!!!" This alone makes you an attractive candidate.
Tips to ensure a successful abduction:
-Above all, be open to new experiences. This is perhaps the most overlooked aspect of alien abduction. Simply having an open mind can make a person more accepting to the various probes and experiments that aliens conduct. Extraterrestrials need humans willing to look at things from a different perspective or the abduction process will not be a win-win situation for anyone.
-Talk casually with your friends/family (or to yourself in the mirror) about your interest in aliens, your desire to be an ambassador for the human race, your suspicion that extraterrestrials are superior, et cetera. Alien spies are everywhere; if they pick up on your conversations, you’re likely to get at least a UFO sighting. Drop subtle hints. This is known as announcing your candidacy. It can take a number of forms — casual conversation over a plate of sushi, or the purchase of abduction literature for example. It is imperative that this is done correctly. Don’t be too eager or too apathetic, for at either extreme, you risk attracting the wrong alien.
-Acquire some interesting or unusual characteristics — like juggling, salsa dancing, javelin throwing, or dentistry for instance. Occasionally otherworldly visitors do not come to Earth for human selection, vengeance, or even experimental purposes — but for entertainment. Some visitors are often the insubordinate children of aristocratic alien dictators out on secret joyrides in their parents’ spacecraft. They are not interested in the mundane human cliche. They want to see backflips, double-jointed thumbs, mullets, and champion hot dog eaters.
If you consider this advice, you have a good chance of being abducted. There is however, no guarantee.
Good luck to you.
"Hey mom, there’s something in the back room
Hope it’s not the creatures from above”